t.t.f.o.

Today I am simply ttfo! Touched The eFF Out, that is. For those who may not be familiar with what this means: It is the way a mother feels after an entire day of your child's/children's endless, constant, and unrelenting touching, grasping, climbing, poking, whining, asking, talking and all-around general nerve-grating over stimulation from the moment you wake up until you just can't abide another second (usually around 4pm.) and decide to put yourself in a mandatory time-out, wherein you promptly sit down at your keyboard and frantically rant away on your blog about how ttfo you are!

Holler if you hear me.

And now this is the point where I feel the guilt need to reassure all of you (but mostly myself, really) just how much I LOVE being a stay-at-home-mom.
I do. Really.
But some days are just like this.

...

Thinking a lot today about expectations. You've got them. I've got em. We put them on others and on ourselves. Is it just me, or do you also find that most of the time we focus on the things that don't live up? And what comes from that?... Disappointment, guilt, anger, judgment, self-loathing, embarrassment.... a lot of icky stuff.

I'm always catching myself trying to live up to others (supposed) expectations. I say 'supposed' because it's really me only assuming I think I know what people are thinking about me. Wanting me to do or be... Which is ridiculous for obvious reasons.

No. I think that expectations just need to go. I know I at least can say that they do nothing for me. I get disappointed when someone doesn't meet mine.... and in turn I'm scared to death to let others down by not meeting theirs. An ugly little cycle.

Imagine not placing any strictures on people or things or actions... Just letting everything unfold in the divine way that God has planned. No judgment. No asserting our own thoughts or plans or will... Free to be!I love that idea! I'll do it for you, if you do it for me.
:)

Soapbox: Motherhood

Oh! I feel as though I have fallen off the proverbial blogging wagon! and I just can't seem to find my way back on. Spring makes me too giddy to focus. Too many half-baked projects, yard work rearing its ugly head, and of course... the Spring cleaning and organizing that I cannot bring myself to tackle... all of these things make me just want to hire my own personal assistant (I'm accepting applications) and take a permanent vaca!

A lot of what's been consuming my mind lately is motherhood. Oh, motherhood! I've had many in depth conversations lately with other mom-friends, and we just keep coming back to the same conclusion... Momin' aint easy! And what makes it the hardest is seeing (what we believe to be) perfect mothers who never have a moments doubt or hardship. The Impossibles, as I like to call them. The ones who appear to do it all (and with perfect hair.) Do these women actually exist? Or do I just always seem to run across them on the days when I haven't bathed, look frighteningly bum-like, blindly running from aisle to aisle in Target, realizing that Jack has a slice of banana stuck to his shirt that I'm just now noticing and frantically trying to clean before anyone sees him and thinks I'm unfit... (and these are MOST days for me.) Yes, I definitely think we compare our worst to everyone else's best. That's my problem, at least.


And so, in the spirit of keepin' it reals... I am going to end my obsession with trying to be one of The Impossibles, and just be the mom I am. I love Jack more than cake batter ice cream, and I know I will always do my best for him, I simply can't go on feeling bad about what I'm not. The main thing that always helps me, is when I hear about someone else's struggles. Haha. (Um, does that sound bad? Of course, I don't mean it like that. Just that when you find out that you're not alone, it helps!) For instance, when I heard a woman say that once she didn't bathe her twins for like 3 weeks... Yeah, that gave me a boost.

Here's my confession of the day: I let Jack watch too much TV. This morning I slept on the couch while he watched about 3 or (10) episodes of Wonder Pets. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. Go ahead and report me! (actually please don't. I sleep with one eye open, I swear!)

Mom-Out!

Time is (not) on my side.

Ok... so I know I said I wouldn't be posting again until I had some new baby pictures to share... but that little friend has decided to be fashionably late, so I will take the opportunity to do a little blog-ranting.

Time. Time. Time goes by... Sometimes it's unbearably slow. Sometimes it flies. Because I simultaneously procrastinate and need instant gratification, time is often something that I am in constant struggle with. When I make up my mind to do something I want to do it RIGHT NOW, and if my plans cannot come to fruition fast enough... I usually end up abandoning them all together. I hate this about me. My procrastinating side leads me to make plans, set goals, talk a big game about what I intend on accomplishing at that Oh-So-Perfect time in the future... it rarely ever happens. I must learn that the perfect time does not exist.
There is now. And never.

I wish that I wasn't such a creature of habit. That change was easier for me, and that I didn't fear the unknown so much. I want to be friends with time, flow with it, change with it, embrace it. Time is not waiting for me, so why would I be waiting for it? I'm ready to be that fabulous person that I keep waiting to become. I think one of my main problems is telling lies... to myself, that is. "I'm going to start exercising." -yeah, right! Just as we learn who we can and cannot trust in other people.
I have learned not to trust myself, and the promises I make to myself. I have to get my own good opinion back.

...And so, I am vowing to really try and end this cycle. To live in the now. Embrace each day and do with it what I can. In short to be friends with time.
Pray for me.

Thank's for the reminder.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times...
People are so funny! The things that people have to tell themselves in order to make themselves feel justified.... whoa! Who are you trying to convince??? It's laughable.

...So I'll just keep on laughing. And rest in the sweet knowledge that I don't need any PERSON'S approval. I only need to please GOD and let Him guide me. ...And guide me, He does.
A for instance: I had been thinking a lot about a certain decision I had made recently, and whether it was the right course of action or not... And then, BAM! God laid it out for me to see so plainly! I was able to see with my own eyes why it was that I had made that decision in the first place. And now, I am thanking Him with all of my heart that He has lead me to where I am.
(And away from where I was!)

...His approval is all I ever need.

So there.

Tuesdays are for ranting...

People are so funny.

I have always been intrigued by psychology. Trying to figure out why people do and say the things they do. 'Why would that person say that to me?', 'Don't they realize how strange that is...?' 'What were they thinking?', 'What's their motivation?', 'Don't they know that's weird???'... These are just some of the questions I ask myself everyday.

I have an insatiable desire TO KNOW. I simply must figure people out. If I can understand, even just a little, about what their motivations are... then I can usually accept it, and move on.
For instance: The reason that person ALWAYS says something rude to me is because they are attempting to be funny and familiar with me, but are just too awkward to pull it off. I can't take it personally. I have to just accept that's how they are and move on.


...But when I just can't figure someone out. When they constantly throw me for a loop. I can't let go. Like I said, I MUST get to the bottom of it! I want to peel back the layers, and get to the root of what's really going on in that head of theirs. ....And trust me, I know I AM weird for this. I just can't help it. People are just SO intriguing to me.

So, this is my version of a Public Service Announcement. I am just putting this out there...

THINK before you speak.
TRY to be kind.
ONE word... INTROSPECTION.
INSECURITY is no excuse for being rude and aggressive.
(in fact, that just makes it more apparent that you're compensating.)
INSERT a filter between your brain and your lips.

Thank you for allowing me to rant.

...OK. I'm off the soapbox.